she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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