i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
