My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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