I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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