I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize