After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
