my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
