I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
