matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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