I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
3 2 1 whiskey
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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