I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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