Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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