that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
