if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think I sprained my soul last night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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