I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
