We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
