I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
