I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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