Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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