There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
