I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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