omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
