I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Pooping to opera.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
