I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
