he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
