Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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