Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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