This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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