Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
