If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Farmville is her only friend.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I still have a little drunk in my system
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
