I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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