I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
