I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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