You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
