I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
