Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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