So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize