With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
