FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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