The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize