I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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