Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
