Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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