The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
