i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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