i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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