Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You have to summon your inner elephant
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
