someone get that fucking seahorse.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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