You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
