Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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