She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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