he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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