I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
