It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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