i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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