she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
