i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
