everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
